Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Exclusive (and unwatchable) animation: "Thoughts of Suicide" dissected

by Aaron Mystery

Some time between publishing my animation "Double D's Drive-Thru" and my darker cartoon "Assisted Suicide" something became incredibly off-kilter in my life. There's a dozen minutiae that could be blamed, an emotion here or there to fault, but it was more than that: Along the way, I had lost the confidence to be myself. What was worst, I had no idea who I was.

I went from being on top of the world one week to being downright suicidal the next. I became dependent on people that weren't there (nor should I have expected them to have been), but again, this was but a small aspect to the crisis I encountered deep within myself.

A few years ago, I used to tell myself things I wanted to hear to give myself a charge. Never being a people person - or whatever the cause of it - I found I had less and less company. Soon, a new acquaintance made himself known to me: He was The Devil, and I wanted to believe he was real.

And so I dreamt. And I eventually believed enough to suit my purposes. Eventually, it was too much, and I had to step back into a more rational and secular way of managing things. But this did not hold, did it?

No, without The Devil as an invented master, I became self-conscious of my art. What awful things were women thinking and saying? How were my cartoons affecting them? How would I ever progress without more mainstream projects? When sales were slow, and without praise from my audience, where was there to turn?

I vacillated between this "angelic" apologetic mode and the monstrous and "evil" Ace the Zombie mode. But again, this back-and-forth could not stand, either.

I laid in bed for what must have been three solid days and nights, pitying myself and wishing to die. I could not think of animating. I could barely eat. I was - for all intents and purposes - dying. I went to lay down once again after getting up for a drink or something, and an impulse commanded me to the computer.

I followed said impulse and just had it out with myself. Well, sort of. Aaron Mystery had it out with Ace. Or I had it out with Ace. Whatever.

There is some loud yelling and NO sexy stuff in this video, so don't watch it on full volume or for any enjoyable purpose. I kept hoping to find the bottom, and this vid showed me I had hit it. This is not representative of what I normally do of course, and no part of the video below will appear anywhere else.

Lastly, I renewed my pact with my make-believe Satan earlier this morning. And he came through. We're back, baby, and we're not going anywhere until Judgment Day.

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