I basically haven't written a blog in two weeks because nobody gives a shit what I write (including me), and writing blogs isn't going to make me any cash - which I'm in short supply of these days. I've had to focus on courting a new segment of transformation fantasy fans - Giantess - and then getting back to keeping B.E. fans (and myself) happy.
Posted the third GTS (Giantess) Teaser and a Double Feature B.E. Teaser on YouTube and they got LOUSY ratings. So I blew up in the video descriptions and declared that my YouTube days are over. Between the site's wicked evil management, and the terrible vibe among its user base, I've had enough.
Then I got a couple of ridiculously infuriating profile comments that sent me flying off the handle. I made a vid featuring myself for the first time in 3 years (not counting Grizlore) and called out those assholes that think they can ruin my day without repercussions.
Even though I need the business worse than ever, I didn't get anywhere by laying down and getting run over by every asshole with a smart comment. Part of my shtick is to react furiously to criticism, but it's obviously more fact than fiction - I just choose to use it as a sort of "performance art."
I've gotten one nasty email (with a lot of misspellings) in response to the video so far, which is less than I expected. The reason I come off as such a jerk is because I just want to create - not be shit on by everyone passing by.
But the truth is, you get shit on no matter who you are, especially as an artist. The more success you have, the more you produce, the more you get shit on yet. Since I've had some moderate success making 200+ animations in three years, I should expect far worse.
What continues to bother me is that some of my fans - mostly those casual viewers on YouTube (not paying Suckermouth members) - leave nasty, terrible comments when I put on something that doesn't show breasts getting bigger, and then everyone else says all I do is "porn." Porn? Have these people ever seen porn? These are animations geared at a mature audience, no doubt, and technically I do have a couple of soft-core lesbian animations on Suckermouth (I'm working on one right now), to dismiss me as a porn peddler is to overlook someone that could develop into a great filmmaker if I could ever be encouraged into branching out and creating the bigger tapestry I always imagined for myself as an artist.
Below are some projects/ideas I have that I can't ever get to because haters on both sides keep me paralyzed:
- Getting back to music (at least a little): The fifth Brethren and the Evil Empire album is underway, which would be great if I lifted a finger to be involved. I used to spend six hours a day or more rehearsing with a full band... But because nothing ever happened with it in terms of success, and because I doubted myself, I now spend 16-18 hours a day on a computer making animations either dismissed as porn or apparently despised by some of my "fans" because it doesn't come close enough. I think I'll take out the old 12-string acoustic today... Just because I'm apparently not good enough of a musician (or salesman) now to sell downloads doesn't mean I never will be.
- My dream log: I dream a LOT. During heavy dream cycles, I can remember - to some degree - as many as five to six dreams a night (maybe more). My dream world is literally a sprawling city with a consistent layout, and now I'm learning to drive the freeways, and have found my way to Northern Nevada and then the Canadian border. I recognize and know where the casino district is, where the three-story mall with my favorite K-Bee toy store (now the only K-Bee toy store, as all the real ones have closed). There are demons, phantoms from my past, historical figures, the Devil, and a credo I utter every time I get it trouble that literally weakens or scares off threatening dream characters. Oh, and lots of zombies. There's a lot more to me than B.E. cartoons, I swear.
- Free Spirits: The novel I pitched about four years ago. It's AWFUL, and I can't believe I wrote a synopsis well enough to actually interest a couple of unfortunate publishers back in the day. However, as the first appearance of Ace the Zombie, and in some ways a very dark B.E. story at its core, Free Spirits may bridge the gap between mainstream horror and breast expansion - if I ever felt I had the time to work on such a long term project that is 95% not B.E. Don't get me wrong, Free Spirits is a GREAT story, just a terrible manuscript.
Well, that's all I feel like writing for now. Please consider me as an artist that wants to engage his viewers with his work, not enrage them with his words.
Love and kindness... until you piss me off.